Written by Nava Narayani, LPCC, MA
Supporting a partner who has experienced sexual trauma can be both a deeply compassionate and challenging journey. You may feel a strong desire to help them heal, yet find yourself unsure of the best way to provide comfort and understanding. The truth is, navigating this path requires patience, empathy, emotional attunement, and a willingness to learn. This blog explores practical advice and insights to help you foster a safe and supportive relationship while also taking care of yourself. In the end, you may uncover ways to strengthen your bond and nurture healing for both you and your partner.

Educate yourself on trauma. Think of it as a love language and foreplay. Educate yourself on the basics of trauma. Whatever your mode is for learning, whether it's books, podcasts, YouTube videos, community posts, chatting with others, etc, do a search on trauma and dive in. My go to recommendation is Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine (free as an audible on Spotify). Or, if your partner is well educated on their trauma, just listen intently to them and ask questions.
Learn about your partner's triggers, verbal and nonverbal cues of dysregulation, and what helps to soothe them. A trigger is a stimulus that causes someone to reexperience memories or strong emotions from past traumatic events. A trigger could be related to the senses (ie: a sound, smell, touch, tone of voice, etc.), behavior, body position, perception, or some cue of not feeling safe or comfortable. Ignoring or dismissing boundaries/hesitations is probably a universal trigger for people with sexual trauma.
There are many cues of dysregulation, some being a change in speech pacing, halted speech or difficulty speaking, body stiffening, avoiding eye contact, vacant eyes, confusion, shortened breath, eyes widening, overly people pleasing, etc. Your partner may already know what their triggers, cues, and soothing strategies are, or you may need to figure them out together. Do not blame or criticize your partner for not knowing yet or sharing. It's also possible that there may need to be more emotional safety in the relationship before they can share this vulnerable information.
Rejection is going to happen. Maybe more often than you'd like. Remember, sex hasn't always been an enjoyable experience for your partner. In fact, it may have been life threatening, terrifying, painful, or hateful. Their experience(s) may have disrupted their development in knowing their desires, boundaries, or ability to feel pleasure in sex. All that to say, their sexual rejection may be more about their past than about you as a person. If you tend to have a strong emotional reaction to sexual rejection, that's an excellent point for self-reflection and curiosity.
What is your motivation for sex in this moment? What insecurity may be coming up for you? Is there a way you can ask for what you need without crossing your partner's boundaries? Is there still a way for connection to be a mutually enjoyable experience? Get creative! If your partner is unavailable, how else can you care for yourself?
If rejection is happening frequently and causing lower relationship satisfaction and you both feel at a loss, reaching out for couple's therapy could offer relationship saving insight.
Expand your definition of sex, pleasure, and intimacy. Get out of the heteronormative narrative that sex = penetration and that an orgasm or ejaculation must happen for there to be "success." You two get to decide what sex and being intimate looks and feels like. No one else is watching (unless you've invited them) or judging your sex. It is for the two (or more) of you. Care for each other and co-create a mutually enjoyable experiences. Figure out how to do this dance together. Rather than asking, "did you come?" you may want to ask something like, "are you satisfied?" or "are you enjoying what I'm doing?" or "what's your pleasure in this moment?"
Learn more about sex from sex positive sources! OmgYes.org and Coming Together by Emily Nagoski (free on Spotify) are two sources I recommend. There are so many out there!
Emphasize consent, remind your partner of choices, and respect boundaries. Your partner may be confused about their desires and boundaries, so you may get mixed messages at times as they experiment to figure them out. Be flexible for direction or minds to change. Remind your partner of options, as part of the hurt they've experienced is choice being taken away or feeling trapped. Also, assure them know that their options are without negative repercussions. Find out from your partner what words or phrases may help them when they're stuck, confused, frozen, or frightened. If they express a boundary, immediately respect it so they know they are respected and safe. Again, pushing or crossing a boundary is the quickest way to being triggered, dissociating, panic attacks, and not having a good time.
Talk about sex and intimacy while clothes are on. Incorporate talking about your sex life as a part of your sex life. After a sexual encounter (doesn't need to be every time), process what went well, what was liked, and what was difficult or not liked. Having a talk like this right after sex may be challenging for a variety of reasons: your brain hasn't switched modes to complex thinking/communication, slight triggers may already be active halting honest expression, too vulnerable of a space to offer feedback, etc. It may be better to bring the discussion up at a time when you both are comfy and regulated, perhaps a chat on the couch or while going for a walk. It doesn't need to be a long conversation, but a few short exchanges can help start to make it a more normalized process to talk about.
Reflect on your motivations for sex. What is driving your desire for sex? If sex with your partner is not an option at the moment, how else can that desire or need be fulfilled? This contemplation can help free up the pressure on your partner to fulfill your sexual needs, and free up your dependency on them, (which perhaps has led to bitterness when they're not available). Your answers may also offer more creativity to an intimate life together!
Learn more about sex through sex-positive education sources. Sex is like any other hobby skill, in that it takes time and effort to learn and grow. There are lots of workshops, webinars, books, online courses, podcasts, online quizzes, etc to explore. Do you want to learn more about the science and biology of sex? Practical skills? Spirituality + sex? BDSM? Kinky play? Open relationships? Seduction? If you want specific resources, please reach out. Talk with your partner about what you are learning or want to learn.
You may find out after a sexual interaction that it wasn't wanted, despite your best efforts. It sucks, I know. It's a painful conversation to have. But, also an opportunity for better communication, deepening connection, and improving safety. So let's stay curious and figure out where the break down happened. What signals were missed? What got in the way of being able to express needs? Is this showing up in other parts of the relationship? Take accountability and apologize where necessary, reassure and soothe as well to reestablish trust. Hopefully new understanding can be gain for everyone involved. Reach out if you need help.
A few more quick things on communication:
• Be Patient and Understanding: Healing takes time and is non-linear. Survivors will go through ups and downs, perhaps some days very sexual and other days very closed off.
• Validate Feelings or get curious if you don't understand: Let the survivor know their feelings are valid and that you're here with them. If you don't understand a boundary or behavior, get curious and seek to understand where they're coming from. How does it make sense from their history and lived experiences?
• Listen Without Judgment and Use Trauma-Informed Language: Avoid phrases that may inadvertently blame or shame. A side effect of sexual trauma is often low self-esteem. Your partner may be highly sensitive to criticism or blame and spiral into feelings of guilt for the ways the trauma impacts them and the relationship. Find ways to express yourself honestly while catching your partner's low self-esteem or minding their triggers.
Consider your own therapy or couple's therapy. Your needs and desires matter too. If you could benefit from talking with a qualified third party professional to learn more about your responses to your partner or your own sexuality, please reach out for individual therapy. Also, couples therapy can be of great benefit by having a third party person to talk to in front of your partner to help ease the transition of finding safety again in talking with a sexual partner. A couples therapist can also help to translate miscommunications. Therapy can be a great place to strengthen your communication skills, deepen your knowledge of sexuality in long-term relationships, and heal from trauma while in a healthy relationship.
***What's to love about being in a relationship with someone with sexual trauma? Them as a whole person :) Also, it can put extra attention and learning to the nuances of sexuality, consent, boundaries, gender norms, and communication. It's a good excuse to learn more about sex and intimate relationships. So you can become an even better sexually and emotionally attuned partner!
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